The Red Rag Relived, First of Three Instalments
Sunday, 6th November 2005
From the archives
Season 1994/95, Edition 5
PROJECT RED BOOK: The X-Files Part One
Location: Adelaide, SA
Subject: Club Vice Captain S Butler
This subject originally came under suspicion by this investigator for the following series of incidents occurring during cricket matches:
- catching the ball in his hat and fined five runs.
- having his hand "behind square" during a one day match and the umpire called no-ball.
- dropped to the B-Grade and takes 9 wickets in one innings.
- given out hit wicket in mysterious circumstance during which the umpire was "unsighted".
- his only game as captain was full of such extraordinary events that extraordinary match reports were field and secret club committees voted that the subject would never captain again in order to safeguard against future "incidents".
This data was fed into the FBI computer which revealed that it was not possible to explain the above as mere "coincidences." Further research into the subjects private life revealed that:
- the subject exists only on boarding house food
- the subject's total remuneration for his full time job last financial year was $0.00
- the subject manages to transport himself from place to place without the aid of a motor vehicle
- the subject once "cage danced" at Club Chevron, Melbourne, Vic, for six hours without any relief or apparent stimulant.
- in order to maintain surveillance on club members whilst interstate, the subject arranged to have his extended family move house at very short notice to a facility directly opposite the Tate Hotel. Melbourne is a city of one million dwellings so this cannot be a coincidence. Furthermore an android "cousin" was created with the appearance of a very attractive woman to distract the club members and facilitate surveillance.
- the subject often promises attendance at certain functions and then does not show. The obvious conclusion here is that the subject is in regular contact with a mission controller.
- the subject is in a band and the lab's currently running tests by playing music backwards etc
- this subject does not have a relationship with the girl he has been seeing for over two years
- this subject can magically make houseboat deposit money appear and disappear without explanation
The conclusion is that there is some kind of Extra Terrestrial force connected with the subject.
RECOMMENDATION: TERMINATION OF SUBJECT
PAOC v FIRST XI, by Sean Tanner
On the 7th and 14th of March a PAOC side drawing on experience from all four grades took on the school First XI.
An organised start to the game saw the Old Reds batting first. Indifferent strokes, minimal concentration spans, genuine hard luck stories, pitch kissing and the want to end the season with a shot not quite from the batting manual saw us splutter and stutter to approximately 130 off 40 odd overs.
On arrival to the ground the following week our bowlers were greeted with a hard, dry, unforgiving pitch at which they recognised the need to try something different if things weren't to go our way early (Chopper and Brad Martin at the forefront of the theory!). After a lacklustre start which saw the First XI consolidate, no stone was left unturned to find the combination to lift us to victory. Alas we couldn't find it and in the 46th over the First XI passed our score. Those who could bowl did so whilst the game was still alive.
I would have been happy to report that the game ended there and indeed it should have, but Brad Martin and Chopper Read were left with the simple task to finish the remaining four overs.
I now not write about a game of cricket but a circus.
The front oval turned from a serene, tranquil setting to a big top circus tent in which Peter "The Ringmaster" Ingman directed his two main acts (Chopper and Brad) with flair and passion. The crowd that had been watching the cricket with waning interest became transfixed and at one stage I'm sure were told by Sam and Gibbsy "not to feed the animals". Those four overs were the longest of my cricketing life.
When Aaron bowled the last ball and or performed his last stunt the curtain fell down on the game and the season. Thanks to all those who played and help ensure that such games of similar ilk can be played in future years.
Approx Scores; Day 1 - PAOC 130 all out off 40 odd overs, Wills and Tanner 30's; Day 2 - Heito, Caddy and Ben Allen bowled particularly well.
Descriptions regarding various current players
HEITMANN
Put the team together and kept it together. Supplied after match beers to lubricate team bonding. Wore orange sunglasses on the field to help him escape from reality. Always under an injury cloud but always able to bowl. Showed he can bat with useful knocks in both finals.
READ
Gambled on this gambling man as captain. Last on to the field with a cigarette dangling. When batting showed complete lack of respect for opposition bowlers and when wicketkeeping showed complete lack of knowledge of that aspect of the game. Always took the advice of senior players but rarely implemented it. Arguably the most laid back captain ever to win a flag.
SANDERS
To his surprise stayed largely free of soft tissue injury this year. Although runner was always on stand by. Suffered a grand final groin when asked to take a short single. Took some outstanding catches and first slip and from that position was constantly had the ear of the captain. Still prone to outbursts of indignation when decisions were turned down. Has elevated questioning the umpire's honesty to an art form.
SCANNELL
Recruit of the year. Showed sufficient mongrel in the nets with the ball to lead us to open the bowling with him. As the season wore on this guy cranked up aknig 8 wickets in the semi final in one of the great finals performances in the club's history. In the second to last game he had his first bat for the season scoring runs. He scored runs in the last game and score a valuable 49 in the grand final proving that he is an all rounder in the mould of Sanders and Olsson.
OLSSON
Olly would have to be the most unsuccessful "C" Grade captain in history of the club, taking the team from G to I Grade in the Turf competition. The team had only 1 win in three seasons before he gave up the captaincy. He is famous for his blue plastic sandals and home made board shorts, that he wears to each game. He has shown over the years that he is not only a great batsman but a lethal bowler as well, and this is evident from his performance this season having scored 400 runs and taken 15 wickets.
BEN "WHEEL OF FORTUNE" ALLEN
I had to pick someone in the team that would under no circumstances ever bat above me (Heitmann). Ben has shown what a class bowler he has been since being dragged from the D's, and to this extent found himself in the B's for most of the season. He is famous for his Wheel Of Fortune win, finally having his hair cut and his famous "Allen" asset. He is the second half of the Kranz & Allen act, and has been famed for drawing large crowds of good looking women to both games and social events.
PROJECT RED BOOK: The X-Files Part One
Location: Adelaide, SA
Subject: Club Vice Captain S Butler
This subject originally came under suspicion by this investigator for the following series of incidents occurring during cricket matches:
- catching the ball in his hat and fined five runs.
- having his hand "behind square" during a one day match and the umpire called no-ball.
- dropped to the B-Grade and takes 9 wickets in one innings.
- given out hit wicket in mysterious circumstance during which the umpire was "unsighted".
- his only game as captain was full of such extraordinary events that extraordinary match reports were field and secret club committees voted that the subject would never captain again in order to safeguard against future "incidents".
This data was fed into the FBI computer which revealed that it was not possible to explain the above as mere "coincidences." Further research into the subjects private life revealed that:
- the subject exists only on boarding house food
- the subject's total remuneration for his full time job last financial year was $0.00
- the subject manages to transport himself from place to place without the aid of a motor vehicle
- the subject once "cage danced" at Club Chevron, Melbourne, Vic, for six hours without any relief or apparent stimulant.
- in order to maintain surveillance on club members whilst interstate, the subject arranged to have his extended family move house at very short notice to a facility directly opposite the Tate Hotel. Melbourne is a city of one million dwellings so this cannot be a coincidence. Furthermore an android "cousin" was created with the appearance of a very attractive woman to distract the club members and facilitate surveillance.
- the subject often promises attendance at certain functions and then does not show. The obvious conclusion here is that the subject is in regular contact with a mission controller.
- the subject is in a band and the lab's currently running tests by playing music backwards etc
- this subject does not have a relationship with the girl he has been seeing for over two years
- this subject can magically make houseboat deposit money appear and disappear without explanation
The conclusion is that there is some kind of Extra Terrestrial force connected with the subject.
RECOMMENDATION: TERMINATION OF SUBJECT
PAOC v FIRST XI, by Sean Tanner
On the 7th and 14th of March a PAOC side drawing on experience from all four grades took on the school First XI.
An organised start to the game saw the Old Reds batting first. Indifferent strokes, minimal concentration spans, genuine hard luck stories, pitch kissing and the want to end the season with a shot not quite from the batting manual saw us splutter and stutter to approximately 130 off 40 odd overs.
On arrival to the ground the following week our bowlers were greeted with a hard, dry, unforgiving pitch at which they recognised the need to try something different if things weren't to go our way early (Chopper and Brad Martin at the forefront of the theory!). After a lacklustre start which saw the First XI consolidate, no stone was left unturned to find the combination to lift us to victory. Alas we couldn't find it and in the 46th over the First XI passed our score. Those who could bowl did so whilst the game was still alive.
I would have been happy to report that the game ended there and indeed it should have, but Brad Martin and Chopper Read were left with the simple task to finish the remaining four overs.
I now not write about a game of cricket but a circus.
The front oval turned from a serene, tranquil setting to a big top circus tent in which Peter "The Ringmaster" Ingman directed his two main acts (Chopper and Brad) with flair and passion. The crowd that had been watching the cricket with waning interest became transfixed and at one stage I'm sure were told by Sam and Gibbsy "not to feed the animals". Those four overs were the longest of my cricketing life.
When Aaron bowled the last ball and or performed his last stunt the curtain fell down on the game and the season. Thanks to all those who played and help ensure that such games of similar ilk can be played in future years.
Approx Scores; Day 1 - PAOC 130 all out off 40 odd overs, Wills and Tanner 30's; Day 2 - Heito, Caddy and Ben Allen bowled particularly well.
Descriptions regarding various current players
HEITMANN
Put the team together and kept it together. Supplied after match beers to lubricate team bonding. Wore orange sunglasses on the field to help him escape from reality. Always under an injury cloud but always able to bowl. Showed he can bat with useful knocks in both finals.
READ
Gambled on this gambling man as captain. Last on to the field with a cigarette dangling. When batting showed complete lack of respect for opposition bowlers and when wicketkeeping showed complete lack of knowledge of that aspect of the game. Always took the advice of senior players but rarely implemented it. Arguably the most laid back captain ever to win a flag.
SANDERS
To his surprise stayed largely free of soft tissue injury this year. Although runner was always on stand by. Suffered a grand final groin when asked to take a short single. Took some outstanding catches and first slip and from that position was constantly had the ear of the captain. Still prone to outbursts of indignation when decisions were turned down. Has elevated questioning the umpire's honesty to an art form.
SCANNELL
Recruit of the year. Showed sufficient mongrel in the nets with the ball to lead us to open the bowling with him. As the season wore on this guy cranked up aknig 8 wickets in the semi final in one of the great finals performances in the club's history. In the second to last game he had his first bat for the season scoring runs. He scored runs in the last game and score a valuable 49 in the grand final proving that he is an all rounder in the mould of Sanders and Olsson.
OLSSON
Olly would have to be the most unsuccessful "C" Grade captain in history of the club, taking the team from G to I Grade in the Turf competition. The team had only 1 win in three seasons before he gave up the captaincy. He is famous for his blue plastic sandals and home made board shorts, that he wears to each game. He has shown over the years that he is not only a great batsman but a lethal bowler as well, and this is evident from his performance this season having scored 400 runs and taken 15 wickets.
BEN "WHEEL OF FORTUNE" ALLEN
I had to pick someone in the team that would under no circumstances ever bat above me (Heitmann). Ben has shown what a class bowler he has been since being dragged from the D's, and to this extent found himself in the B's for most of the season. He is famous for his Wheel Of Fortune win, finally having his hair cut and his famous "Allen" asset. He is the second half of the Kranz & Allen act, and has been famed for drawing large crowds of good looking women to both games and social events.