"Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever"
Sunday, 23rd October 2005
The legend returns. A background for new players to the club.
Much water has gone under the bridge since that inaugural WGCITWE update. The pedigree of champion and method of performing can only be attributed to PAL - the brand top breeders choose. When awarding the WGCITWE the patrons Will 'Red Beard' Rayner and Tom 'Best Bloke Ever' Martin must maintain the stringent standards that have accompanied the honour for centuries. When receiving the award, the champion must adhere to the prestige and honour and reflect the behaviour that has been displayed by ex-Worlds Greatest Cricketers in the World Ever.
While the standard of performance has been high, there has been a much larger event that has rocked the cricket community and has Daniel 'Riverton' Killey turning in his grave. When the magical mirror ball took its maiden voyage on the annual Popeye cruise (yes, the ball was a virgin) a disastrous series of events was about to 'rock the boat'. As many know who attended, the organisers of the event couldn't organise a jolly good time in an establishment for gentlemen. Consequently, the well behaved, well hydrated guests on board have to pack a lunch and a change of underwear to reach the wonderful Lotus restaurant, which I fully recommend but maybe not on a stomach full of booze. Grantee can vouch for that.
During our walk for Men-cap a sickening yet unavoidable event took place. While crossing from the crystal clear waters of the River Torrens, past the breathtaking aromas of the Adelaide Zoo, where I believe Marcus Wills was finally captured and re-introduced to his natural habitat of his fellow oxen (he however was later released when it was discovered that an ox has never sweated out cigarettes and captain morgan before). As Owen was moaning, hopefully for help, the mirror ball, freshly deflowered, escaped the reliable and vice-like grip of Patron Martin. As time seemed to freeze, unfortunately the ball did not and it fell to the ground at an unusual rate of 9.8kmh. As Patron Martin and Matthew 'Watch your back Siciliano' Lowe looked on helplessly, the trophy that has caused more discussion that Mark Cosgrove winning the Bradman Young Cricketer of the Year, began its path to destruction. It has been rumoured that the pure pieces of mirror were actually stuck to the ball by the Almighty himself but on closer inspection it appears that they were adhered with a similar glue that keeps Tony 'Meatballs' Main Course' Pick's wig on. Unfortunately, this glue is specific to hair and does not work on authentic mirror. Good news for Mr. Intensity, bad news for society.
As the ball virtually disintegrated as it came in contact with a pitch that the Adelaide City Council has obviously prepared without the mirror ball in mind, Patron Martin and his power-hungry hiking partner became angry. This resulted in an impromptu game of soccer that tested both the physical and mental fitness of both players. The result for those interested, Martin 1, Fats 0, Mirror Ball - f#$@%.
This course of events, which can be blamed solely on the demanding and may I say, unnecessary trek forced upon passengers of the Popeye, has not deterred the young men at the PAOCCC applying themselves toward achieving what will undoubtedly be each and players goal for next season - to win the World's greatest Cricketer in the World Ever. The winners and there efforts are listed below:
4. Michael Richardson - for the outstanding achievement of interrupting a Hen's Party in the middle of the Queens Head Hotel, under the sparkle of a GIANT mirror ball!
5. Dave Larkins - in later weeks, every guy on the Popeye had a crack at the 'Girl-next-door' that he brought as his 'date'. We are not sure if he had a crack, but we are pretty sure that he went home alone that night.
6. Tim McQueen - for the wisdom and ingenuity to find a cricket bat at hard rubbish collection and proceed to make runs with it. The fact that the bat has a name hand-written in texta on the back and that the name is 'Bitch Slapper' also contributed to Steve succeeding.
7. The B-Grade - Getting bowled out for 53 is just not cricket! It takes a bloody good effort to do that.
Previous Report by Will Rayner
The Prince Alfred Old Collegians Cricket Club is proud to announce a new award... the "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever" award.
Like the Ashes before it, this award was created to commemorate - indeed celebrate - a significant historical event. The Ashes celebrates the death of English cricket about 100 years ago. The "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever" award celebrates feats of super-human talent.
HISTORY
Late last year a New Zealand reality television show was being filmed at the South Australian Mid-North town of Burra. The show - which was a cross between Survivor and Big Brother - starred 14 young, buxom and generally blonde model women. Needless to say a car load of young lads (including the award patrons Tom "Red Muff" Martin and Will "the assistant" Rayner, plus Nick "I ripped my shoulder off" Jackman, and PAOCFC players Alex "turbo tosser" Taylor and Dan "Riverton" Killey) ventured up to Burra to see if the TV crews could do with any help filming.
What happened next shall remain a proud moment for all Red Men. "Riverton" befriended one of the smarter reality TV contestants (she could use a knife and fork all by herself) and arranged to meet her outside the TV show dormitories late on that fateful Friday night. "Riverton" and the TV contestant (let's call her Einstein) got along like a house on fire, and before too long found themselves in a passionate embrace. You could tell that Einstein fell deeply and madly in love with "Riverton" because she decided to marry him right there and then. (Why else would she have been on her knees?) Anyway, about 10-minutes into the proposal "Riverton" provided Einstein with an answer just as the TV crew rounded the corner with lights beaming down hoping to get some exclusive late-night vision for viewers in the Land of the Long White Cloud.
The award patrons were proud of "Riverton's" achievements, and endeavored to commemorate his actions. The "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever" award was born...
Not content with the traditional playing trophies being offered by the club and its sponsors, the award patrons searched high and low for an artifact that would befit the title of "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever".
RULES
The award shall be presented at the conclusion of each round by the award patrons. The recipient of the award will hold the trophy in his (or, heaven forbid, her) possession until the conclusion of the following round. It is the winners responsibility to return the trophy to the club at the end of each round. The winner of the award shall be decided by the award patrons, or their nominated representative/s. The patron's decision is final and binding. Should Alex Marantos win the award the trophy shall be temporarily be re-named the "Second Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever", until it is awarded again. Should Marcus Wills win the award the trophy shall be temporarily be re-named the "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Since Alex Marantos", until it is awarded again. The "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever" award is strictly for achievement and greatness achieved off the playing field.
HONORBOARD
1 Dan Killey: For promotion and dedication to Trans-Tasman adult television viewing.
2 Ed "Too and from" Thorogood: For being a Pom. And, for viciously head-butting a Marcus Wills delivery while wicket-keeping in a 20/20 cricket match.
3 Matty Christophers: For outstanding achievement in stunt driving and roller-coaster impersonation. And, for providing The Queens Head with the best reason since it opened to provide accommodation on Saturday nights.
While the standard of performance has been high, there has been a much larger event that has rocked the cricket community and has Daniel 'Riverton' Killey turning in his grave. When the magical mirror ball took its maiden voyage on the annual Popeye cruise (yes, the ball was a virgin) a disastrous series of events was about to 'rock the boat'. As many know who attended, the organisers of the event couldn't organise a jolly good time in an establishment for gentlemen. Consequently, the well behaved, well hydrated guests on board have to pack a lunch and a change of underwear to reach the wonderful Lotus restaurant, which I fully recommend but maybe not on a stomach full of booze. Grantee can vouch for that.
During our walk for Men-cap a sickening yet unavoidable event took place. While crossing from the crystal clear waters of the River Torrens, past the breathtaking aromas of the Adelaide Zoo, where I believe Marcus Wills was finally captured and re-introduced to his natural habitat of his fellow oxen (he however was later released when it was discovered that an ox has never sweated out cigarettes and captain morgan before). As Owen was moaning, hopefully for help, the mirror ball, freshly deflowered, escaped the reliable and vice-like grip of Patron Martin. As time seemed to freeze, unfortunately the ball did not and it fell to the ground at an unusual rate of 9.8kmh. As Patron Martin and Matthew 'Watch your back Siciliano' Lowe looked on helplessly, the trophy that has caused more discussion that Mark Cosgrove winning the Bradman Young Cricketer of the Year, began its path to destruction. It has been rumoured that the pure pieces of mirror were actually stuck to the ball by the Almighty himself but on closer inspection it appears that they were adhered with a similar glue that keeps Tony 'Meatballs' Main Course' Pick's wig on. Unfortunately, this glue is specific to hair and does not work on authentic mirror. Good news for Mr. Intensity, bad news for society.
As the ball virtually disintegrated as it came in contact with a pitch that the Adelaide City Council has obviously prepared without the mirror ball in mind, Patron Martin and his power-hungry hiking partner became angry. This resulted in an impromptu game of soccer that tested both the physical and mental fitness of both players. The result for those interested, Martin 1, Fats 0, Mirror Ball - f#$@%.
This course of events, which can be blamed solely on the demanding and may I say, unnecessary trek forced upon passengers of the Popeye, has not deterred the young men at the PAOCCC applying themselves toward achieving what will undoubtedly be each and players goal for next season - to win the World's greatest Cricketer in the World Ever. The winners and there efforts are listed below:
4. Michael Richardson - for the outstanding achievement of interrupting a Hen's Party in the middle of the Queens Head Hotel, under the sparkle of a GIANT mirror ball!
5. Dave Larkins - in later weeks, every guy on the Popeye had a crack at the 'Girl-next-door' that he brought as his 'date'. We are not sure if he had a crack, but we are pretty sure that he went home alone that night.
6. Tim McQueen - for the wisdom and ingenuity to find a cricket bat at hard rubbish collection and proceed to make runs with it. The fact that the bat has a name hand-written in texta on the back and that the name is 'Bitch Slapper' also contributed to Steve succeeding.
7. The B-Grade - Getting bowled out for 53 is just not cricket! It takes a bloody good effort to do that.
Previous Report by Will Rayner
The Prince Alfred Old Collegians Cricket Club is proud to announce a new award... the "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever" award.
Like the Ashes before it, this award was created to commemorate - indeed celebrate - a significant historical event. The Ashes celebrates the death of English cricket about 100 years ago. The "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever" award celebrates feats of super-human talent.
HISTORY
Late last year a New Zealand reality television show was being filmed at the South Australian Mid-North town of Burra. The show - which was a cross between Survivor and Big Brother - starred 14 young, buxom and generally blonde model women. Needless to say a car load of young lads (including the award patrons Tom "Red Muff" Martin and Will "the assistant" Rayner, plus Nick "I ripped my shoulder off" Jackman, and PAOCFC players Alex "turbo tosser" Taylor and Dan "Riverton" Killey) ventured up to Burra to see if the TV crews could do with any help filming.
What happened next shall remain a proud moment for all Red Men. "Riverton" befriended one of the smarter reality TV contestants (she could use a knife and fork all by herself) and arranged to meet her outside the TV show dormitories late on that fateful Friday night. "Riverton" and the TV contestant (let's call her Einstein) got along like a house on fire, and before too long found themselves in a passionate embrace. You could tell that Einstein fell deeply and madly in love with "Riverton" because she decided to marry him right there and then. (Why else would she have been on her knees?) Anyway, about 10-minutes into the proposal "Riverton" provided Einstein with an answer just as the TV crew rounded the corner with lights beaming down hoping to get some exclusive late-night vision for viewers in the Land of the Long White Cloud.
The award patrons were proud of "Riverton's" achievements, and endeavored to commemorate his actions. The "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever" award was born...
Not content with the traditional playing trophies being offered by the club and its sponsors, the award patrons searched high and low for an artifact that would befit the title of "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever".
RULES
The award shall be presented at the conclusion of each round by the award patrons. The recipient of the award will hold the trophy in his (or, heaven forbid, her) possession until the conclusion of the following round. It is the winners responsibility to return the trophy to the club at the end of each round. The winner of the award shall be decided by the award patrons, or their nominated representative/s. The patron's decision is final and binding. Should Alex Marantos win the award the trophy shall be temporarily be re-named the "Second Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever", until it is awarded again. Should Marcus Wills win the award the trophy shall be temporarily be re-named the "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Since Alex Marantos", until it is awarded again. The "Greatest Cricketer in the World... Ever" award is strictly for achievement and greatness achieved off the playing field.
HONORBOARD
1 Dan Killey: For promotion and dedication to Trans-Tasman adult television viewing.
2 Ed "Too and from" Thorogood: For being a Pom. And, for viciously head-butting a Marcus Wills delivery while wicket-keeping in a 20/20 cricket match.
3 Matty Christophers: For outstanding achievement in stunt driving and roller-coaster impersonation. And, for providing The Queens Head with the best reason since it opened to provide accommodation on Saturday nights.